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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!