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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Oceanography is all about current events
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
sliding into dms like
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.