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Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Waiting for the Charmin
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Anyone really
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.