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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
They did not miss in the small print
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
God tier horse name today on the sims
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.