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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Need this in my life lol
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now