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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.