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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
It’s his time
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.