You Might Also Like
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m giving up ice.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”