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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Carpe DM
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire