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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I didn’t know they can drive…
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need