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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date