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technique
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…