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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
trivia
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
🖤✌🏽
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
These work great until they don’t.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.