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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me