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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
me after i passed that state trooper
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]