You Might Also Like
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Florida be like…
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started