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Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I disagree with my politics
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
O Wise One….
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*