Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”