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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
first you must answer his riddles
