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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*Seductively hides in the woods
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.