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If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The answer is funnier than the question
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”