Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.