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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.