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The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Weirdly Wednesday.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Education is vital
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.