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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
this was very charming
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!