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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Weighing up my bread heating options
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.