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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
this made my day 😂
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
No. He’s not coming out to play
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
