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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
This is my pinned tweet
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style