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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.