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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.