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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8