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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.