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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Every haunted house movie:
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”