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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭