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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
every college guy’s fridge
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup