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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*