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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.