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Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
how to have fun when you’re poor
