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ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.