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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again