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her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing