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smh
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
this made my day 😂
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right