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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows