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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
why does this building look like a guilty dog
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism