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Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone