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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I cannot stop laughing at this
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are