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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Meat Cute
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
This meeting could have been a cake
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.