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Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Monday
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.