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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
🍞🦆
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.