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stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
