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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
The most precious boy
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The Onion called it…again.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
This is always good for a laugh.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]