Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year