[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me linking you to my twitter
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Look Ma, no handle on things