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Seas the day!!!!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
☺️
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Facebook memories be like
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
