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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.