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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I triple waxed for this?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.