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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
This pepper has seen some shit
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I was bored.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late