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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Flowers bee like
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”