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The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*performs CPR on the turkey*
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset