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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.