You Might Also Like
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
yeah 😭
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[montage of me giving-up]
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
you could not pay me to delete this app
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.