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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.