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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
This is I, Robot all over again
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.