Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You’ll be OK
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
IT’S-A ME,
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
me after eating Cheetos
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.