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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.