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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?