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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
sigh
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Happy weekend !
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’d rather fork than spoon.