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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”