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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
That was easy.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
That’s no pocket rocket.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more