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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
