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Single and childfree like Jesus
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
dictator is short for richard potato
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.