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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
you stereotypes are all alike
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?