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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress