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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!