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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.