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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can鈥檛 be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can鈥檛 be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don鈥檛 want to have to do either
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn鈥檛
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son鈥檚 iPad for 10 minutes.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 馃槈
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 馃檨
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient鈥檚 hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share