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any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.