Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
This is me 🤣🤣
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you