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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*