Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

This is true.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd