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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
oh my god
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.